Restorative Practice: A Pathway to Conflict Resolution | by Peter McDonald-Smith

I have had the great privilege of serving in the London Fire Brigade for over 18 years. During this time, I earned two commendations for bravery, a degree in Leadership and Management Coaching and, among other achievements.  I ended my career as the vice chair of United Minds, an affinity group that supported Fire Brigade personnel with their mental well-being. After earning my degree, I went on to work for the police as a Leadership Coach and a trainer, where I set up another well-being group focussed on neurodiversity.  
These roles have allowed me to see, work with and support people at some of their most extreme points and have also enabled me to review my own working practices. I am trained, via the Home Office, in restorative practice.  This is where, for example, there is a process of reconciliation between the offender and the offended. This is really an oversimplification of the practice but throughout this article, I will share my learnings for conflict management.  Owing to my time in working for large institutions I have become proficient in using mnemonics to help me remember strategies, methodologies, and practises, some of which will be shared in this article. 

NO HEALING WITHOUT REVEALING
No healing without revealing is simply identifying the cause of the problem.  In other words, to heal the wound one will have to reveal or identify the wound.  Emotional wounds work much in the same way. For example, when working with groups and individuals that want some reconciliation, I ask the participants to answer the following questions and scale each answer from 1 – 5 (Five is strongly agree with one being strongly disagree).  You may like to have a go yourself. If you are taking part, please highlight the keywords or phrases that you think are important. 

1. It is important to have a diversity of opinions.
2. Ultimately, you want to get to the right answer, not the easiest answer.
3. You are willing to respectfully challenge decisions even when it’s uncomfortable.
4. By engaging in productive debate and encouraging dissent, you enable better decision-making.
5. Although you avoid “dying on your sword” over a minor disagreement, you won’t back down simply to move on or appease someone if you believe strongly that one path is right.

These questions are far from arbitrary or random and I have positioned them from easiest to hardest.  These questions come from Amazon's 16 Leadership Principles. This leadership principle is number thirteen, ‘Have Backbone; Disagree and Commit’. This leadership principle is bookended by the following statement: 
‘Leaders are obligated to respectfully challenge decisions when they disagree, even when doing so is uncomfortable or exhausting. Leaders have conviction and are tenacious. They do not compromise for the sake of social cohesion. Once a decision is determined, they commit wholly.’ 

The idea that teams should commit to what they have agreed upon isn’t a new idea.  Indeed Mr Miyagi, one of my cinematic heroes and the unflappable mentor to Daniel, gave this advice to his charge:  “Either you karate do “yes” or karate do “no.” You karate do “guess so.” The underpinning message is to commit and meet your challenges with diligence.

Some people may not be in an organisation that welcomes debates or challenges.  I have been in this situation and understand that it can be difficult to work within. Although you may feel that you are right when wanting to provide a challenge, or you may have a good idea you would like to share that is not being heard, try not to be frustrated by this but instead consider applying the WAIT technique explained below.

WAIT THINK LEAP KISS
WAIT THINK LEAP KISS is a good starting point if you would like to get your point across while still allowing others to be heard and appreciated. ‘WAIT’ means:

• Why
• Am
• I
• Talking?

This was one of the first strategies I learned whilst completing my coaching qualification.  We have all had the urge to jump in. interrupt or even silence another person or people. Consider another quote from Mr Miyagi. “Just remember, licence never replace eye, ear, and brain”. So, although you may have the ‘license’ to jump in or shut the other person down, it really isn’t the right thing to do.   Consider taking Mr. Miyagi’s advice, use your brain and ‘THINK’.  Wait and ask yourself these questions: Is what I am about to say,

• Truthful? 
• Helpful?
• Inspiring?
• Necessary?
• Kind?

Let’s take a brief look at each one.  Is what you are about to say truthful?  If it isn’t you are likely to damage your credibility and trustworthiness and that of the organisation you represent. 
Are you or what you are about to say helpful? Demonstrating a clear willingness to help resolve a problem will extinguish a multitude of conflicts.  Sometimes we say the wrong thing - completely unintentionally. However, if the person opposite you, knows that you are genuinely trying to help,  you may be surprised at how quickly resistance is removed.  This takes us nicely to our next point.

Inspiring does not mean channelling your favourite motivational speaker. Although if you have that talent, don’t hide it! What I mean by inspire is to inspire an ideal outcome.  What Dr Stephen Covey calls a WIN/WIN.  Make it your priority to find out what an ideal situation looks like for the other person.  As Dr Covey states in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’.  Be curious to explore solutions, alongside your customer, client, or colleague.  
A common question when seeking to understand, inspire and be solution-focussed is often “What if there isn’t enough time to go into great detail and talk things through?”  Whilst some situations may be time critical, where extreme situations can be the difference between life and death, these circumstances are very rare for most people, you will often find that you have more time than you realise.  Notwithstanding, this topic will be given more focus a bit later.

Asking yourself if what you are about to say is necessary is of utmost importance.  We must be cognisant that we are not saying more than we must.  This too will be expanded upon shortly.

Finally, be kind. There are no reasons that I can think of where being unkind resolves conflict. Consider these basic rules when engaging with anybody. 

1. People want to be respected, and they like to know what is going on.
2. People often prefer to be asked than told.  This is by no means an absolute so investigate their preference. 
3. People like to have the opportunity of having a second chance.
4. People prefer options to threats.  The latter puts people into a defend or attack mindset.

When conflict arises, don't avoid it, or pretend nothing has happened. As time goes on, tension will build, and the conflict may get worse. Deal with these uncomfortable issues as soon as possible, before problems and bad feelings become embedded in everyday work.
Now that you have done the waiting, I think it is time to LEAP:

• Listen,
• Empathise,
• Ask,
• Paraphrase & summarise. 

Mr Miyagi said we should use our eyes, ears and brain.  This makes a lot of sense when we consider that 55% of our communication is our body language.  Much of this can be missed in the age of the video call.  This means that we must be all the more attentive to the other factors to do with communication.  For example, 38% of our verbal communication is pace, pitch, tone, and volume. Only 7% are actual words. Listening should always be about gaining understanding. Don't let yourself become reactionary to the other person's words.

On the topic of empathy, there is so much great material I could share.  However, what Dr Carl Rogers says fits perfectly here: “Empathy is the listener's effort to hear the other person deeply, accurately, and non-judgmentally. Empathy involves skilful reflective listening that clarifies and amplifies the person’s own. experience and meaning, without imposing the listener’s own material”.

Clarify that you are getting the message the other person is trying to convey. Rephrase and repeat back what you've heard to confirm understanding. You might say something along the lines of, "Let’s make sure we understand each other... You're upset about _____ because _____- is that right?"

Ask clarifying questions if needed, being non-judgemental is the key to remaining empathic. You can request that the other person repeat a central idea or reword their frustrations in a way that makes sense to you.

As mentioned earlier, there are times when problems need to be addressed with appropriate urgency.  In this scenario consider the “3 Ss” Symptoms, Source, Solution. These 3 Ss are very much in the category ‘necessary’ in the THINK mnemonic. In other words, having a laser focus on the symptom, source and then the solution to the problem. 

KISS is the last factor after “wait, think and leap”.  It means Keep It Short and Simple. To save yourself from getting confused when paraphrasing, summarising or offering solutions. Keep it short and simple.
 
Restorative practice as an ideal takes us beyond ‘conflict management’  and stretches our emotional intelligence to mend, maintain, and make relationships.
Philosophers and spiritual leaders don’t always agree, but on one ideology, there seems to be universal acceptance, and that is to treat others how you would like to be treated. If this concept is the keystone of your communication, then you won’t go far wrong.  

Peter McDonald-Smith is a People Leadership Coach at Multiverse.