The shame epidemic: How to understand and overcome shame

Shame is a powerful emotion that significantly affects our self-esteem and ability to enjoy life. Consequently, it’s a massive contributor to both poor mental health and economic productivity.

• 21.5% of UK adults have high feelings of anxiety. (Office of National Statistics)
• £117.9b of Annual UK spend on mental health problems. Impact on the UK economy equivalent to around 5% of GDP (London School of Economics)
• 72% Lost Productivity due to mental health conditions (Office of National Statistics)

In this blog, I want to bring shame into your consciousness to help you protect your health, build self-esteem, and achieve your personal growth potential. 

What is Shame? Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for something you have done, shame encompasses feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, and distress rooted in negative self-perception. It is often fueled by personal failures, societal expectations, or the judgments of others and results in reduced self-esteem.

I have felt (what I now know as) shame from my earliest memory. As an adopted child, I was never allowed to meet my father's family because they were disgusted by the very thought of me. Their reasoning is borne from generations of prejudice and manifests as a judgemental mindset of what is acceptable or unacceptable. That binary mindset had a profound impact on my life. 

Whether You Are the Originator or Recipient, Check out Shame And It’s Root-causes

Looking at shame from the originators' perspective will help you overcome its impact. The perpetuation of shame often stems from the originators' own experiences, insecurities, or unresolved shame. 

• They say, “Attack is the first defence.” Attack is often an emotional reaction. Early trauma can be reignited, so criticising yourself may be an internal way of avoiding responsibility. 
• To deflect shaming you, they might downplay it or counter it by overly praising you. All in a bid to avoid resolving the root of their challenges.
• Shaming can be a control mechanism, avoiding feelings of inadequacy or a way of evading conversations or situations.
• Shaming others to receive a reaction could provide the originator with a momentary and potentially addictive hit of pleasure. Once a response is obtained, the originator might continue the activity. 
• The act of shaming is as much about physical communication as it is about verbal communication. From facial expressions to crossed arms, finger-pointing, and more overbearing postures, shaming signals an attempt to assert superiority or deflect vulnerability.

Looking from the recipient's standpoint could help stop shaming others. Shame can affect you in deep and often painful ways, impacting your emotional state, thought processes, behaviours, and physical reactions. 

A blush of embarrassment, avoiding eye contact, or a body posture that reflects the need to be less noticeable are all visual signs of a person feeling the effects of shame. 

Shame can debilitate you, overshadow your positive qualities and achievements, make you self-critical, and make you feel like a failure. It could also dissolve your brilliance through a distorted self-image. Unless consciously tackled, it can affect your health and well-being and your ability to be productive. 

Here are Some Simple Steps to Overcome Shame and Its Impact: We can all oscillate between being the originators or recipients of shame. 

As the originator:

• When you feel compelled to criticise someone, stop, take a moment, and ask yourself, “What trigger made me want to criticise?”. This is the first step to facing your unresolved challenges.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand how your words or actions might be perceived. 
• Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly yet respectfully. 
• Don’t make personal attacks. 
• Frame your feedback in a way that is helpful and aimed at growth. 

As the Recipient:

• While it doesn’t make it right, remember that shame is more about the originator than you. They may have unresolved challenges, and shame is their coping mechanism for their own difficulties. 
• Treat yourself with kindness and understanding rather than harsh judgment. Confront your inner voice when it’s being unkind to you. 
• Focus on your growth.
• You own your life. Take control.
• Seek support.

Summary: Living in a post-pandemic era of social, economic, and political uncertainty can be challenging, so it’s hardly surprising that we find ourselves needlessly shovelling out shame or being on the receiving end. Shame-conscious people can be happier and healthier, whether we are the originators or the recipients. It’s good for your self-esteem, health, and well-being and unlocks your personal growth potential.

Debra Charles is a Level 3 Data Literacy apprentice at Multiverse, based in London, UK. She’s writing for the Apprentice Lens as part of the Blogging Team. Here’s more about Debra: My mission is to inspire others to believe in themselves and seize the possibilities that await us. Together, we can channel our unique strengths and talents to ensure a brighter future for our planet and humanity.