Our Faceless Enemies: Negative Beliefs & Low Self-Esteem | by Amor Kebbe
Despite having all the energy and commitment to embark on a new course or challenge, we sometimes fall into the trap of giving up that goal even after giving it our heart and soul. Making that difficult decision to surrender and forge our goal doesn’t happen overnight- we begin to gradually feel disengaged with our pursuit, lose the sense of direction, get more comfortable procrastinating, and eventually our unfulfilled goal becomes perceived stress. Why does this happen and how can we avoid it? Let's explore these questions in more detail.
What is demotivation?
Regardless of what motivates us to pursue a goal or a dream, it’s important to be aware of the factors that diminish our commitment and progress. Those factors are referred to as demotivation which is the lack of interest and focus necessary to complete something. Demotivation interferes significantly with our productivity and ability to succeed. One of the strongest demotivational forces is our limiting beliefs. They are beliefs or states of mind you believe to be true about yourself that can restrict you. They can affect us at all levels of professional experience and they take various forms and intensities depending on the individual's circumstances and the surrounding environment.
What influences our behaviour?
Our thoughts are automatic mental activities and have a direct and immediate impact on feelings as they trigger emotions which then drive attitudes and behaviours. The Greek philosopher Epictetus stated that “People are not disturbed by things but by the view that they take of them”. What he means is that meanings are not determined by situations but determined by the meanings we give to these situations (e.g. Thinking that missing a deadline is shameful). The reality is that our emotional reactions (anger, frustration, happiness, etc.) and behaviours are all influenced by our thoughts, beliefs and interpretations about ourselves or our own situations1. In other words, our response to a situation in a particular way is driven by our thoughts that serve as the link between our emotions and feelings. (e.g., If you feel stressed over not meeting deadlines, you may consider quitting your job as a result of thinking that you're not good enough). Negative and strong emotions such as frustration can be a demotivational force and overpower some critical decisions we make. So, it’s important to remember that emotions are states that make the mind inclined to think one thing rather than another2. They are infused by our perceptions and beliefs that may not be true (e.g., thinking that falling behind schedule is an awful thing and feeling ashamed based on your belief that you are a failure).
Where do beliefs come from and how do they change?
Our core beliefs were generally formed in early childhood3 by accepting what others (parents, teachers, friends) tell us to be true or at a later age by our experiences and personal inferences (culture, religion, work, etc). Beliefs become our sense of reality that we refer back to when we need to decide what is right or wrong3. Although we can sometimes consciously think about our beliefs, and even question whether they are rational or valid, we do not do this most of the time. When challenged, we might find it difficult to prove the truthfulness or accuracy of our beliefs, especially the beliefs about ourselves (e.g., I’m not smart enough) or the beliefs about others (e.g., He doesn’t trust me). Nevertheless, some of our core beliefs may change and there are various means for individuals to change their beliefs of themselves or of others; these triggers include, but are not limited to persuasion, social pressure, the truths or evidence for the alternative belief, the anticipated consequences of the alternative belief4 (e.g., exhibiting supportive behaviour & openly discussing your willingness to take on more responsibility helps establish trust with him), and a result of the experience of outcomes. (e.g., receiving positive feedback on what you thought to be a ‘worthless project or presentation, and implementing some of your recommendations). Questioning our beliefs and bringing them to our consciousness is vital as our beliefs have a tremendous impact not just on our behaviour, but also on our mental and physical health.
Why is low self-esteem a demotivational force?
Low self-esteem is the act of attaching unhelpful labels to ourselves based on the belief that we are not worthy. Common labels include ‘disorganised’ ‘failure’ ‘stupid’ ‘unlovable’ and ‘lazy’. Placing such labels on ourselves can demotivate us and compromise our potential and productivity. For example, you might be less likely to offer your opinion or ask a question during a meeting if you believe you’re incompetent. Furthermore, a lack of self-esteem also makes it difficult for us to acknowledge what we are capable of and prevents us from internalising what we have achieved.
What causes low self-esteem?
Our low sense of worth and associating destructive labels to ourselves can be triggered by the unhealthy thinking habits we consciously or unconsciously fall into. Self-blame, self-doubt, and self-criticism are among the reasons we place very little value on ourselves. Our upbringing (parents, authority figures such as teachers) contributes to embedding self-doubt in our personality (e.g., you’re an idiot), or to subjecting ourselves to negative criticism and taking responsibility for what goes wrong. Negative life experiences such as trauma, bullying, racism, and abuse can cause severe and long-lasting damage to our confidence and self-image. Negative (destructive) feedback is also closely linked to low self-esteem.
How does low self-esteem demotivate us?
Whether it’s our own deeply rooted beliefs telling us (e.g., you cannot do it) or an adverse experience that makes us feel ‘incapable or unlovable’, a low sense of self-worth has detrimental effects on our well-being and behaviour, leading to self-destructive or demotivational behaviour such as procrastination or avoiding doing the work required believing we are going to fail. There are a number of unhealthy thinking tendencies people lacking self-esteem seem to fall to. Among those addictions are the unstoppable comparisons people make with others, focusing on their positive attributes and comparing them negatively to their own (e.g., She's quite fast and good at it, why does it take me ages?). Prediction or mind-reading with the absence of evidence is another thinking habit that discourages proactive and creative thinking (e.g., why bother doing it, nobody cares). Immersing our brains in such toxic thinking habits will result in stimulating negative emotions including shame, depression, anxiety, and frustration, all of which have a direct negative impact on our performance and productivity.
How can we tackle low self-esteem?
Building a healthy relationship with ourselves is just like any kind of growth journey, it’s an ongoing process and requires two ingredients: consistency and discipline. While we don’t have full control over certain elements such as our social class, body shape or colour, age or professional experience, we have sheer control over questioning our own beliefs and changing the way we think and behave. The following exercises intend to help you get to the heart of your core belief system by bringing your self-critique to the consciousness level, awakening deeper self-awareness, developing self-compassion, and creating small and necessary steps to make trackable and measurable behavioural changes.
Meta-mirror your inner-critical voice
Think of an event or a task where your inner critique dropped a negative label on your forehead leaving you feeling demotivated or feeling angry, frustrated, or sad. Answer the following questions in as much detail as possible:
- Challenge your assumption: Describe what happened.
- Self-knowledge: What was your response?
- Underlying beliefs: What does your response suggest about you?
Reflect on your responses to the above questions and continue with the following questions:
- Self contextualisation: Describe how you would like to respond and feel to a similar situation in the future.
- Find meaning: What would it mean to you to behave and feel in the desired way?
- Instil belief: What would it take to behave, act, and be who you want to be?
Befriend yourself
Befriending yourself is what you can’t do when you refuse to accept your faults and deficiencies. In other words, it’s embracing yourself fully despite all the flaws, weaknesses, and memories that cause you to suffer. In order to befriend yourself, you need to recognise that humans evolved to learn through mistakes. What makes the difference between one mistake and another is our ability to learn from it by distancing ourselves from what happened to review our action and reaction and then cultivate a new response. Alongside all the skills we learnt and the success made, our transmission from being extremely vulnerable and incapable children into becoming changemaker adults was also filled with different forms of faults, failure, loss, and sorrow. Neither you nor those around you can guarantee that mistakes or whatever might cause discomfort will be avoided as time goes by, but you can certainly learn how to befriend yourself unconditionally as you go along.
Reflect on your overall day or week including meetings, conversations with family or colleagues, feedback received, presentation etc, and answer the following questions:
- Self-knowledge: What have you done, learned, or said that inspired others or made you feel rewarded?
- Self-admiration: What are the values that motivated you to behave that way?
- Self-knowledge: What could you have done or said but didn’t because it was wiser to hold back?
- Self-admiration: What are the values that motivated you to behave that way?
Conclusion
Your life is your own and it will always belong to you. Existence wasn’t our choice, but examining our beliefs is a personal endeavour toward self-discovery. In our own unhealthy thoughts and beliefs, we may be burying our creativity and potential to live fully. Feeling that you are imprisoned in the habit of self-doubt or self-hatred is within your power to change. “The last of the human freedom is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” 5. Rejecting who we truly are and putting on a facade are agonising, reconciling with yourself begins with contentment; don't be afraid of exhibiting your authentic self in your words and actions.
References
- Smith, B. and Lago, C., 2010. Anti-discriminatory practice in counselling & psychotherapy. Anti-Discriminatory Practice in Counselling & Psychotherapy.
- Frijda, N,. Manstead, A,. and Bem, S. (2000) Emotions and beliefs: How feelings influence thoughts.
- Argyle, M. and Beit-Hallahmi, B., 2014. The psychology of religious behaviour, belief and experience. Routledge.
- Boutilier, C., 1995, August. Generalized update: Belief change in dynamic settings.
- Frankl, V.E., 1985. Man's search for meaning. Simon and Schuster.
Amor Kebbe is a Data Literacy/Data & Insights for Business Decisions coach at Multiverse.