Pride from an Ally's Perspective by Malc Toms

Malc Toms is an Advanced Data Fellowship apprentice at Mars.

I am probably on the older side of Multiverse members, and I grew up in a relatively poor household, unaware of the privilege my white skin carried. Pride was initially something I hadn't heard of, never mind knew anything about. As I went through my school years it got some limited TV coverage, but I still didn't know what it was or why it took place. Once I did find out what it was, I quickly realised that I had no need for it and kinda shut it out of my mind, ignored it and went to Notting Hill Carnival and the like, while building a career, marrying and raising a family.

As I grew older, I changed. I became much more caring of others; I suppose my politics moved left but I didn't really recognise it as that. I was reasonably comfortable in my living arrangements and the finances required to support that, and it was then that I started to realise how lucky I was. Not, initially, in terms of sexuality or gender discrimination, but more about how kids in other families lived - my kids had, for example, the correct school uniform, even if my wife and I had to go without so that they wouldn't have to suffer the stigma that I had, being a poor lad in an area where parents were generally better-off than mine. I had, I suppose, become the better-off parent that, in my youth, had raised children to be hurtful toward my younger self.

What does this have to do with Pride, you might ask? Well, to this point, nothing. But I realised that inequality, and the reasons behind it, were more important to me as I began to mature as a person. I had no issues with LGBTQ+ people, but I didn't know many and those that I did know were more acquaintances than friends. I took an interest in Pride coverage on TV and was drawn to the bright colours and the great time people were having. Somehow, though, I was on the outside, looking in. I was almost disappointed by that, not that I should have been. It struck me that it was perhaps the one time of the year that the community could be on the outside how they felt on the inside without being judged.

More questions like "Why do these people need this space to be themselves?", "Why can't people live and let live?" came to me. It soon dawned on me that the community would only be accepted within their neighbourhoods if people like me stood up for their right to do that. At the time I had no idea what Allyship was or even if it was a thing. I decided that I needed to read about the history of Pride and the circumstances around which it grew up, which I did (but as my mind is like a sieve, I didn't retain much). It did cement my realisation though that I had to support LGBTQ+ people in any way presented to me.

A (to me, at the time) strange thing happened at work. I was asked to change someone's name in the Identity system at work, but it was to be at a future date and synchronised with an announcement from the Personnel department, and until such time I was sworn to secrecy. A person who I knew well was transitioning (and until that point I had no clue that they wanted to), and I completed the name change transaction, sort of stunned. Two things really hit me; the first was just how brave they had been to do it without (from my perspective) uprooting themselves and starting somewhere new as the new them, and the second was that they needed me to act "normal". They weren't a massively different person just by changing their name, and as the jokes started around the office, I was feeling very uncomfortable with what I was hearing. I understood it, but I didn't like it.

As time went on, I challenged the "humour", I called people out on it with phrases like "If you wouldn't do it in front of them, don't do it behind their back." I also maintained and strengthened my professional relationship with the person who had transitioned - and actually found myself complimenting them on their dress (because it was deserved, not to patronise them). About this time, I learned Allyship was indeed a thing, and that I had been doing some of the things it appeared to be.

So, then, back to Pride.

I both love it and hate it. It sounds like I am sitting on the fence, but please let me explain: I wish that society was mature enough that it doesn't matter what your skin colour is, your accent is, your sexuality or your gender is, or whatever other way we are different, we all just get along and love and accept each other, because to quote a phrase, "Love is Love". But, despite the fact that it's 2022, we aren't that mature and we divide on rather than celebrate those differences. I actually think that Pride could break down barriers for other prejudices too, but I doubt it's my place to say that.

So, until then, I will support your right to be whatever you are, wherever you are, with whomever you want to be with. I will celebrate Pride with you until the day it is a safe and loving celebration of diversity, and then some. I might not always get things right as I am still learning what being an ally means, but my heart is in the right place. Please call me out if I make mistakes, but do it gently. I am on your side.